How Our Dating Affects Your Children
Single parent dating has become quite the norm today. It is the majority in our social sector as a matter of fact.
It is important for us, as parents, to understand the consideration we need to have for our children when we decide that after a divorce we are going to start dating again.
The easiest way to understand this is to put yourself in your children’s shoes. Think for a minute (or two) about how you would feel if your parents were divorced and started dating. How would you feel about them and the partners they choose?
Regardless of the people involved, it is awkward non-the-less, for children to see their parents in an intimate relationship with anyone other than their biological parents.
The basis of this article is on the discussion about what the parent needs vs. what the child needs. it comes down to this bottom line, “Parents feel they have needs and they come first.” At least that is what they will often say when discussing their life after divorce.
Although this is true, and parents need to move on with their lives, starting a new relationship can be scary for the children and complicated for the parents.
Facing these challenges of dating after divorce can be a bit confusing for anyone.
Steps to making dating work after divorce are spelled out in many forms of books, articles, and psychological studies. But the bottom line is, putting all of it into action can be the biggest challenge we face.
Faced with these challenges we can find ourselves making the worst or best decisions of our life. After all, starting a new life can be very positive and rewarding. We have learned, hopefully, from our mistakes and we are better armed with knowledge to make a better choice the second time.
But the reality here is that if we have made one mistake, it probably means that we are indeed a “red flag” to anyone around us and we need to use the utmost caution. In this regard, many people start placing blame. It is better to take a look at what you can do to “choose” better partners. Choosing the right person means that we do not have to worry about what surprises may come down the road later. Many times I see people in situations where they knew someone was irresponsible, troubled and not very nurturing, but they decided to get married and have children anyway. Then only to find themselves miserable and divorced and wondered why.
Take that as an opportunity to really look at your options before entering into a situation that could damage yourself or your children. Face the fact that it is in the “choosing” part of dating that makes it work or not.
Dating after divorce can be healthy if it is done right. Most of the time we are stressed to the max as a single parent. It is easy to want to take the easy road. But this is where mistake number two happens. We can find ourselves over fantasizing about how much better we can do the next time only to find out that in reality, once again, relationships are work.
Many times the answers to our questions are in the mistakes we have made in our past. Take a good hard look at your last relationship and see yourself and what you could change the second time around to make it last. Also, take a look at your children. What do they need, what are their feelings about you as a person and how can you be in a better relationship with them?
It is crucially important when returning into the dating scene to communicate your feelings with your children. Let them know what you are doing so they are not frightened or feel left out. This is single most issue with children after divorce. Simply put, they feel left out of the equation. When mom and dad (biological) are close and in an intimate relationship everyone is happy and feels a sense of togetherness. But when the relationship ends, obviously this changes, for everyone.
Keep close with your children. They need you more than ever. If you feel overwhelmed, you will need to seek professional coaching. This will help you stay in perspective and keep your individual situation in reality and under the utmost control. Don’t feel like you are labeled because you seek coaching. Think of yourself and your children. No one has to know what you’re doing to make it work, just that your taking healthy steps to make it work.
There is no need to repeat the same errors. There are plenty of self-help options. Take full advantage of them.
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